Sunday Scaries Part 5: What The Fuck

“I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish.” – Luke 13:3

The important thing now is that we remain calm, do not panic, do not leave the house, maintain approximately 250 feet of distance from other humans at all times. Wipe your ass at your own risk. The liberal use of toilet paper may well be your downfall.

Suffice to say these are certainly the Strangest Times I can remember, stranger than 9/11 and stranger than the Great Recession. Stranger even than Trump getting elected, though it is fitting that all this Strangeness should occur under his stewardship. Folks, we have blown past the Lowly Times and have now entered into a new phase of surreal fuckery. We might as well be lost in another galaxy.

So much for the “hoax.” At least we have an expert on the case. In his own words, Trump has a “natural talent” for the Coronavirus. I am not sure what that means, which is to say that the President and I are on the same page.

It has been seven days since I last spoke to another human in person. I know others who have been in isolation even longer. Madness is setting in, Cabin Fever. Soon we will run out of Pornhub videos to watch, at which point we Americans (who are already terrible at Social Distancing) will disregard the quarantine completely and start rioting. We will be doomed. The government will offer us cash bribes in increasing amounts, but it will not be enough. The Air Force will be forced to drop a White Phosphorous bomb on Central Park just to contain the Rona, but that will only result in the virus evolving a flame retardant envelope.

It could be worse. I have plenty of food, and enough firepower to get more food from my neighbors if needed. Yes, I am one of those leftists. Maybe I will even use my bonus $1000 on more guns, like a real American. A sound investment in these dark times. It is time to start planning for the post-Rona apocalyptic dystopia. Those lacking in that mindset will be the first to perish.

Take the friend that offered to trade me food in exchange for one of my rifles. “Bad deal.” I told her. “Besides, now that I know you don’t have any guns, I can just come and take your food.” Foolish.

Every man, woman, and child for themselves. You hate to see it happen, but empathy is dangerously heavy baggage in the Wasteland.

Okay, we aren’t quite there yet. Perhaps it is only a matter of Time. At minimum they are saying things will get much worse before they get better. The Rona grows more powerful everyday. I have stopped checking the maps because of how grim the prognosis is. I imagine this is how most of Europe felt waiting for the Nazis to show up. The Rona war machine is out there, blitzing its way across the formerly civilized world, seemingly unstoppable.

The great irony in all this is that the country is desperately looking at progressive solutions to save us from this dumpster fire. Indeed, much of the terrible bullshit Americans are currently enduring would be dramatically alleviated by the policies of a President Sanders. Access to healthcare, affordable childcare, paid sick leave, boosts to unemployment, and other prog talking points are now ideas being [temporarily] championed by even some Republicans.

That’s how you know the world is ending. They want to send out checks, and not just to the corporations. Socialism is alive and well, I guess. My head is spinning, but at least we can take comfort in knowing that everything will go back to the terrible status quo once all this bullshit has passed. Well, assuming it ever does… The Rona might have other ideas. Surely though, all we need to do is revive the DOW Jones and everything will go back to normal.

What now? Drink, do drugs, watch porn. Pace the apartment like a feral cat. I invited my crush over to Quarantine and Chill. She said she already had plans. Thanks for nothing, Rona.