Bailout Drug Tests

With the markets in disarray thanks to both the Coronavirus pandemic and the oil price war between Russia and Saudi Arabia, industries all over are feeling the crunch of the Free Market. As profits plunge in step with cratering share prices, numerous firms now find themselves teetering on the brink of bankruptcy, including former blue chip giants like Boeing and United Airlines.

With no immediate end to the market turbulence in sight, these grounded titans may well only be saved by government intervention – a corporate bailout, not unlike the taxpayer-funded cash infusions bestowed upon the financial and auto industries over a decade ago. Rumors of such drastic actions are already swirling, and the airlines are reportedly requesting almost $50 billion in assistance alone. Talk about hidden fees!

They aren’t the only ones. The entire shale oil industry is deep in the red, cruise ship operators are getting obliterated, and the banks already received a massive $1.5 trillion cash infusion via the repo markets as the Fed looked to stave off a liquidity crisis.

Corporate America has, as they say, fallen on hard times. It happens to the best of us. Corporations are people, which means they struggle with many of the same financial obstacles you and me do, like deciding how much of the billions we made from tax cuts should be subsequently dumped into stock buybacks. Now, like many of their fellow Americans, these hobbled firms are hoping for some good old fashioned welfare to help get them back on their feet.

I would never be one to deny aid to those in need, and a struggling multi-billion dollar corporation is no different. We have a moral obligation to help the less fortunate, even if the less fortunate is an airline that has dicked you over multiple times with prices that border on extortion, rampant anti-consumer practices, and the power to ruin your family vacation at will.

I just have one important caveat: I don’t want my tax dollars going to some lazy, pot-smoking corporations. That’s why I will only support bailing out firms whose executive leadership and board of directors have all passed drug tests.

Fair is fair! I think we can all agree that we don’t want to bail out a company whose board is regularly hosting coke-fueled penthouse orgies with underage South American sex slaves. When my hard-earned money is redistributed to a massive corporation with a history of price gouging consumers, I want to be sure that not a single penny of my charity is being used by company executives to purchase designer LSD tabs and peyote for use during their next leadership retreat.

I certainly don’t want to enable a bunch of drug-addled CEO’s to keep fueling their Adderall addictions and, when the supply dries up because all the local college kids have been sent home due to the Coronavirus, methamphetamine habits.

After all, if we keep bailing out firms whose leadership are constantly snorting up the profits, then we will effectively be giving them the financial incentive they need to keep engaging in this degenerate behavior. Sorry freeloaders, but the America I know and love doesn’t give handouts to a bunch of hard-partying corporate bigwigs who can’t hold down steady profit margins because they are too busy “unwinding” from a long day of reckless financial decisions with a fat joint and reruns of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and these massive corporations are entitled to lucrative government-sponsored welfare just like the rest of us – so long as they are walking the straight and narrow. If the airlines really deserve $50 billion that could otherwise be spent on healthcare, education, or emergency income for regular Americans facing financial hardships due to the pandemic, then they should at least be able to pass a piss test.

Like I said, fair is fair. If you want to argue, you can find me filing for unemployment after I got laid off from my serving job due to the Coronavirus shutdowns. Fingers crossed that the check comes before I am evicted!