Sunday Scaries Part 4: Are We Serious?

Kamala Harris endorsed Joe Biden this morning. It was a foregone conclusion; the Powers That Be have selected Biden as their champion, and now all rank and file Democrats must shuffle in behind him. Harris joins a growing list of prestigious endorsements for the former Vice President, who must be thrilled with his dramatic reversal of fortunes, assuming he is cognizant of it.

According to Harris: “There is no one better prepared than Joe to steer our nation through these turbulent times, and restore truth, honor, and decency to the Oval Office.”

You know, the Joe who is running for Senate. The Joe who mixes up his wife and daughter. The Joe who tells people to vote for Trump, who rambles about record players and the dangers of malarkey. The Joe who is an “O’Biden-Bama democrat.” The Joe who was prepared for Super Thursday. The list goes on. It is an adventure every time he opens his mouth to speak.

Sorry, this is our Knight in Shining Armor? This is the guy who is going to beat Donald Trump? The guy who was left for dead until his over-hyped victory in a backwater Republican shithole miraculously blessed his campaign with a pulse? The guy who needed an unprecedented Monday Massacre at the behest of the DNC to survive Super Tuesday?

The guy who is clearly not all there.

Can somebody please help me to understand what the fuck is going on here? Is this a sick joke? Am I insane? Is there something that I am missing, too blinded by my unwavering hatred of Biden to see?

I am almost beyond words. Are we serious?

Forget about his hellish voting record, which includes votes in favor of the Iraq War, the bank bailouts, and the repeal of Glass Steagall. Forget about his disastrous history as a segregationist enabler. Forget about his horrific treatment of Anita Hill, which was a major factor in securing the nomination of ultra-conservative Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court. Forget about all the creepy hair sniffing and unwanted touching. Forget about how his entire tenure in Congress was spent fighting on behalf of corporations, which should be no surprise given which state he hails from.

Biden is obviously deteriorating. His condition is worsening, and is no doubt being accelerated by the rigors of the campaign trail. Everyone can see it. CNN and MSNBC might not report on it, but we all can see it. The Atlantic can run fluff pieces trying to shame people for talking about it, but that doesn’t change the fact of the matter. The lights are flickering, and who knows when they will shut off for good?

These are not isolated incidents – in fact, they seem to be happening more frequently as the campaign goes on. They are not funny like Bushisms, and they lack the absurd strangeness of Trump’s revisionist history. They are just sad. Sad and also terrifying, because if this is who we truly are relying on to beat Trump, we can go ahead and start stocking up on canned food and water purification tablets.

Sanders might be a year older than Biden, but the difference in mental capacity is staggering. But okay, maybe Bernie isn’t the guy. Not enough young people vote and too many Americans shit themselves at the very thought of having their tax dollars pay for healthcare. Sanders and his Juice Box Socialism is too triggering, so he’s out. Fine. I get it. I understand.

But what about everyone else? We could have just as easily rallied around Warren, who was probably the most competent of the bunch anyway. Or what about Buttigieg? Klobuchar? Hell, even fucking Bloomberg? Any of them would have been better than Biden simply by nature of not being Biden. There is no question about their cognitive health.

And don’t talk to me about electability or some similar bullshit. The only reason that term even exists is because the media made it up to shill for Biden. Had the talking heads spent the past year relentlessly campaigning for someone other than Joe Biden, then perhaps we would not be staring down this imminent, babbling doom. So please, do not try and fucking sell me Biden based on a self-fulfilling prophecy manufactured by MSNBC contributors whose paychecks are signed by Comcast. Surely there is no conflict of interest there, right?

Instead, we are probably stuck with Sleepy Joe. He will win Michigan in two days, thanks in no small part to huge endorsements from Governor Whitmer and the Detroit Free Press. The Joe Biden Hype Train will continue to chug along, and the pundits on MSNBC will all sleep soundly knowing that the threat of Socialism has been defeated… but at what cost?

Biden losing to Trump feels like a forgone conclusion. He is, by all accounts, a much worse version of Hillary Clinton, and we all know how that ended. Of course, Clinton was robbed, screwed over by electoral fuckery. Clinton should be the President right now. People can complain about Bernie Bros and Russians and Rust Belt states and sexism and whatever, but she won. Three million votes is not an insignificant margin, and spotlights the continued absurdity of the Electoral College.

Joe Biden, on the other hand, will not lose in such strange fashion. He will not win the popular vote by an enormous three million vote margin. Instead, he will get blown out, destroyed, pummeled, obliterated. Trump will gleefully eat him alive, live and on national television. All of this ridiculous posturing over Biden and electability will be obliterated in real time; predictions unraveled as a hapless Biden flounders on the debate stage, his mental disposition mercilessly taken advantage of by the ever-predatory Trump. It will be a bloodbath.

Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

Editor’s note: A previous version of this article cited a misleadingly edited video as evidence of Biden’s decline.