When I first read on Twitter that the President was putting me in charge of handling the coronavirus outbreak, I did what I always do during times of uncertainty: I went to church and I prayed. I prayed for strength, I prayed for resolve, and I prayed for a cure. Through the Lord all things are possible, and I knew if proved my devotion to Jesus Christ that he would provide me with the means to Save this Great Nation.
The pagans and heretics in the liberal media have predictably reacted poorly to my new appointment. Many of them claim that my political record proves I am ill-equipped to lead the efforts to contain the spread of the coronavirus. In particular, they cite my response to an HIV outbreak that occurred during my tenure as Governor of Indiana as evidence that I am not capable of effectively dealing with this new virus.
The suggestion is, quite frankly, as blasphemous as reading a Harry Potter novel. Fear not, my fellow Americans, because there is no man better prepared to protect us from the coronavirus than me, the Spiritual Shepherd of the country, Michael Richard Pence. For I am a vessel unto the Lord God himself, and I alone can save us from otherwise certain doom.
After a grueling 67 hour prayer session, during which I completed the rosary nearly 500 times, the Lord finally deemed me worthy of his guidance on this matter. Upon reaching the 67th hour of my vigil, I was beset with holy visions of our Lord, who took the form of a hairy man in ragged clothes, and who smelled strongly of malt liquor and cigarettes. I was nonplussed, but then remembered that the Lord often works in mysterious ways.
I gave him twenty dollars and in return he confirmed our darkest fears – that the virus was created in a Chinese lab, with funding from George Soros, and for the express purpose of causing a recession that would destroy Donald Trump. I was horrified, and immediately wept. How, I cried, could the Lord allow the Evil Democrats to do such a thing! I was shaken, and I am ashamed to admit that I found myself questioning my faith, even in the very presence of our Lord.
The angel smiled. Fear not, he said, for Satan and his minions have made a crucial error whilst enacting their wicked plot – they forgot to account for the Power of Prayer. Indeed, he said, that the faithful need not fear the coronavirus, for it would only cut down the sinners of our world, leaving the righteous and pure unscathed. The wickedness of Satan and the Do-Nothing Democrats would be turned against then, and their plot would ultimately deliver unto us a New World; a world free from suffering, textbooks with evolution, pre-marital eye contact, and eating ass.
I immediately threw my hands into the air and praised the Lord, feeling foolish for ever doubting my faith. I begged for forgiveness, which was granted after I paid the angel another twenty dollars. Then he vanished, quick as he appeared, through the front door of the church. It was a powerful experience that has not only left me a better man, but a better man who is better prepared for the task of dealing with the coronavirus.
The answer, as is the answer to all problems that do not have financially lucrative solutions, is prayer. Prayer, and prayer alone, will save us. Do not be fooled by the demonic whispers of “Scientists” and “Doctors” claiming black magic rituals such as “washing your hands” can protect you. They are sorcerers who have signed the Devil’s book and are not to be trusted.
Knowing all this, I have decided that the federal government will not be providing any actual assistance for containing the outbreak. To intervene otherwise would be to deny the judgement of our Lord, and who are we to determine who should be spared his righteous wrath? If prayer isn’t enough, I don’t know what to tell you. Your sins are probably too great.
Hold on, I just received a second holy vision about how you can also increase your changes of redemption by buying stocks. Definitely do that too. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways! Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go home and make eye contact with my wife.