Modern Jungle Endorses Mike Bloomberg

Come this November, the United States of America will be faced with a tremendous choice that will almost certainly have dramatic consequences not just for this country, but for the future of the human race. Will Trump be defeated, or we will be subjected to another four (and possibly more) years of his belligerent, corrupt, and dangerous behavior?

Here at Modern Jungle, we have spent many weeks deliberating and, given the enormous stakes, decided to collectively endorse Michael Bloomberg for both the Democratic ticket and the Presidency, and we promise that we are not just saying that because he paid us a fuckload of money.

I know what you’re thinking – how is it that a group of decidedly liberal writers determined that their pick for President is the decidedly illiberal former Mayor of NYC? You might suspect that by endorsing Bloomberg instead of someone we are more ideologically aligned with, that we have “sold out.” And yes, while it is true that Bloomberg magnanimously offered to pay off all of our student loans (we accepted), we were under zero contractual obligation to endorse his campaign in return. Big Mike is just a nice guy like that.

Listen, there is a lot more to Mayor Bloomberg than the fact that he is unfathomably wealthy and can make all your wildest dreams come true. He was also a three-term Mayor of New York City, in case you forgot. Sure, he was a Republican who oversaw an authoritarian regime that regularly terrorized black and brown people, blamed the 2008 Financial Crisis on the end of redlining, and has made dozens of disgusting remarks about women and people of color, but we don’t need to drown ourselves in all the details. No one is perfect, right? People change, especially Mike Bloomberg changing his political affiliation.

Also, please remember that anything is better than Trump. Mike Bloomberg is not Trump! Also he is paying for my apartment, not that him covering my rent means anything. Stop looking at me like that.

Many of the complaints swirling around Bloomberg are rooted in the belief that mega-billionaires should not be able to “buy” elections simply by outspending their opponents 20-1. If Bloomberg succeeds in leveraging his vast fortune to acquire the most powerful position in the world, then we might rapidly reach a point where the only people with any chance of winning the Oval Office are members of the billionaire class. Many claim that our government is already overwhelmingly subservient to the wants and whims of the ultra-rich, and that the election of someone like Bloomberg (as a Democrat, no less) will only cement Washington’s status as the legislative arm of Corporate America.

Listen, I hear these concerns, and I’m with you! I’m also uncomfortable with Bloomberg waltzing into the primary season a year late, supported by a limitless advertising blitz that would make the Nazi invasion of Poland seem lethargic. Does Bloomberg’s massive, brutalist approach to campaigning reek of late-capitalist cynicism whilst wholly undermining the American voter by allowing the former Mayor to essentially accept an unlimited inflow of corporate cash from the media conglomerate which bears his name? The answer is yes.

But am I getting paid $300 an hour to wear a “Bloomberg 2020” t-shirt whenever I leave my apartment? Also yes. Again, let me stress that there is zero correlation between Bloomberg being my Sugar Daddy and my total willingness to disregard all my political principles in support of his election efforts. That Bloomberg has hired the entire Modern Jungle staff as political consultants with mid-six figure salaries is also purely coincidental.

Have I mentioned that Bloomberg is not Trump? I know that this little detail is easy to forget, what with both of them being old, white, fantastically wealthy racists from New York, but Bloomberg is different! He has a lot more money than Trump. He also tweets with proper grammar. What more could you want from a candidate that is definitely not Trump?

Sure, there are also five or six other presidential hopefuls who are also definitely not Trump, and yes, they are all definitely less Trumpy than Bloomberg. But none of them have offered to pony up $800,000 so that we can finally buy the Modern Jungle dot-com domain that is currently being held by a squatter in Hong Kong, so whatever.

We actually don’t even know what his campaign stands for, but who cares? We’re rich now. Eat a dick, you middle class losers. Bloomberg 2020 baby!