Like the T-800 from Terminator 2, Andrew Yang was sent from the future to protect humanity from the Machines. Unfortunately for Yang, the time portal spit him out a few years too early. The Machines, although already quite powerful, are not yet considered enough of a threat to the Everyday American Voter, and thus Yang was forced to suspend his campaign in the wake of a dismal showing during the New Hampshire primary.
Hasta la vista, baby. We barely knew ya.
Yang was considered radical, a Fringe Candidate. Imagine, an America where every citizen received one-thousand whole dollars a month! Absolutely no strings attached! Spend it on rent. Spend it paying off your loans. Spend it on drugs. The horror. The indignity. Free Market Champions like Milton Friedman must be rolling over in their graves.
Oh wait, Friedman was actually a proponent of implementing a Universal Basic Income. No, what was truly Radical about Andrew Yang is that he had the goddamn gall to suggest we take money from True Red-Blooded corporations such as Amazon and redistribute that cash directly to regular Americans like a bunch of fucking Commies. What’s next, basic human rights like access to Healthcare? Folks, it’s a real slippery slope.
No sir, not in my America. Besides, Amazon already pays their fair share: this year that amounts to $162 million in federal income tax on approximately $13 billion in profit. For all the Libtards who struggle with basic math, that’s an effective tax rate of 1.2%, which is way higher than last year when they actually received a $129 million tax refund.
No wonder Everyday Americans didn’t flock to Yang and his so-called “Freedom Dividend.” I know that I personally would not be able to sleep at night knowing some Political Nonsense was afflicting Amazon’s bottom line. Don’t you know that Amazon not paying taxes is what allows them to only raise the cost of Prime by $10 each year instead of $15?
Anyway, the sheer lunacy of wanting all Americans to benefit from the record profits of massive corporations as said corporations increasingly replace human jobs with AI and automation aside, Yang’s insurgent campaign has to be considered a success. No one knew who he was before that fateful interview with Joe Rogan, and two years later the man has successfully outlived name-brand candidates like Kamala Harris and Cory Booker.
He also successfully got millions of Americans to wonder what their lives would be like if they had an extra thousand bucks each month. Actually, a lot of people were probably already wondering that, but at least Andrew Yang offered them the remote possibility that it might happen. But hey, we can’t all be Jeff Bezos, who made $8 billion in one day last week when Amazon’s shares surged 7% on a strong earnings call. Sucks to suck, literally everyone else.
Oh well. Like the shot glass I bought from his campaign store, Yang was always “Longer than a Long Shot.” Fingers crossed that he endorses Bernie sooner rather than later. More pertinently, hopefully the Machines don’t get their act together while Yang is still on the rebound. We already have enough Problems to deal with – the last thing we need on our collective plates is to be fighting Trump and the goddamn robot uprising.
Fortunately, like T-800, Andrew Yang Will Be Back. As with all things, it is only a matter of Time.
Speaking of Time, there are nine godawful days left until the Nevada Caucus, which will hopefully be less eventful than the historic goatfuck that was Iowa. The Nevada DNC has announced they will not be using the same shady Shadow-developed app that allegedly fucked Iowa senseless, though notably, they have not announced what they are going to use instead. Queue the Fear.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d guess the Machines were behind the Iowa debacle. Who is to say they have no already infiltrated the DNC? Maybe they even developed that shady caucus app, thus stealing jobs from hardworking ex-Clinton staffers still harboring grudges against Sanders? Just like Yang predicted. We could be living in the Simulation right now.
Fuck me, it’s probably already Too Late and this is the End Times. Still, I wouldn’t mind that extra thousand bucks a month. Godspeed Andrew Yang, you Crazy Bastard.