Election 2020: The Great Iowan Shitstorm


Are you surprised?

Buckle up folks. If last night was any indication, we are in for a long, brutal primary season. The Shitshow formerly known as the Iowa Caucus is only the beginning. Over the coming months, this country will be forced to endure Electoral Fuckery the likes of which have never before been seen in American politics. Indeed, we are truly a Banana Republic now, a sham of a Sham of Democracy.

What is happening in Iowa has a distinctly Third-World vibe. It is the sort of chaos that you might expect from an election in Iraq or Venezuela; the exact brand of meddling that our Great Nation so frequently loves to impose on “emerging democracies” in order to ensure that they remain anything but. A taste of our own medicine, if you will.

What a Rush. Those of us still holding out hope that anything was learned from 2016 can go ahead and flush those watery delusions down the drain. The Debacle in Iowa is already worse than any of the fuckery that occurred during the last cycle of fuckery. Their tactics have evolved. Their methods are more savage and ruthless than ever. This is Asymmetrical Warfare; Cambridge Analytica working alongside the Vietcong. Every nonpartisan think tank in the country is on the payroll, and their armies of mercenary academics have been working round’ the clock to crunch the numbers. They will stop at nothing, even if that means re-electing Donald Trump.

Conversely, maybe there is no sinister plot. Maybe the simple fact of the matter is that the Democrats are incompetent jokers guilty of criminal negligence. Maybe Iowa is a Third World country, and thus these results should be expected. Maybe this is a convenient bungling instead of a malicious act of political sabotage; a function of infighting and disorganization as opposed to a calculated strike by a shadowy cabal of neoliberal globalists (though I am sure they are pleased regardless).

The news right now is muddled, confusing. Details are scarce, and wild rumors are spreading like an Australian brushfire. The Russians have already been implicated. Heavily-armed militias have been deployed to keep the peace, but unconfirmed reports suggest they have actually been hired by the Biden campaign to intimidate those tallying the results. There is Panic and Fear in the streets of Des Moines. Trump, who still does not realize the existential threat posed to him by Bernie Sanders, continues to bellow on Twitter about election rigging.

His Gallup ratings peaked today. Between this Iowa bullshit and his impending acquittal by the Senate, Donald Trump is set to have a Very Good week. Talk about an auspicious start to Primary Season! Word is the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists are already debating how many additional seconds to shave off the Doomsday clock. Tick tock, motherfuckers.

Mayor Pete declared victory last night, then retreated to the fortified bunker beneath Harvard Yard that houses the Top Secret laboratory where he was created by splicing Reagan’s genetic material into a Joe Biden clone the DNC was growing In Case of Emergency. All media attempts to reach him have been flagged by a CIA listening outpost, and shadowy assassins have been dispatched to deal with anyone asking the Wrong Questions.

Speaking of, the mysterious developer that produced the application at the heart of this scandal is literally called “Shadow Inc.” Curiously, this company appears to have received several large financial contributions – nearly $50,000 – from Mayor Pete’s campaign. Folks, you cannot make this up. Forget the shadows; they are overtly fucking with us now.

The People in Charge are promising to release some of the results later this afternoon, but who knows what that means? It seems a safe bet that Sanders dominated the actual vote, hence the meltdown – we would not be having this conversation if Joe Biden had cruised to a huge win. After facing early reports that their leading man might not even crack the Top Three, the Biden camp must be celebrating this quagmire harder than the good people in the State of Kansas after their huge Super Bowl win. Other big winners include the long list of states lusting after Iowa’s political influence, Conservative Pundits looking for a morale booster after their Founding Father was poetically diagnosed with Lung Cancer, and the Russians, who have yet again dealt a devastating blow to American Democracy simply by existing.

Yeehaw. We have Seven Days until the New Hampshire primary, which will effectively be the first contest of the year. The polling suggests that Sanders is poised to take the state by an even larger margin than he was predicted to win in Iowa, which begs the question: How will they fuck this one up?