We Are Going To Fuck This Up Again, Aren’t We?

A year from now, when Trump is live-tweeting his second presidential inauguration ceremony, some fuckheads in tailored suits with glitzy Ivy League degrees will howl in despair from the sheltered safety of a CNN panel about how the America they love is truly dead.

“How did this happen?” they will lament. “The polls clearly showed Biden with a commanding lead. This just shouldn’t be possible.

Then they will blame Russian hackers. Alt right trolls. Bernie bros. Libertarians. Third-party voters. Voter ID laws. Fox News. Faulty polling. Dark money. The Illuminati. Video games. Lizard people. The Ancient Ones Who Lurk and Who We Dare Not Invoke By Name Lest We Suffer Their Endless Wrath.

These well-dressed, well-educated, very well-off liberals will blame everyone and everything when Trump trumps whatever limp-dicked moderate (read: Joe Biden or the New and Improved Liz Warren) is haphazardly forced upon the voters by CNN and the DNC.

Well, almost everyone and everything.

You probably have seen the news lately. But in case you haven’t, let’s just browse the internet for a minute and see what headlines have been trending:

Interesting! I wonder what the newspaper owned by the richest man on the planet has to say about all this?

WaPo? Promoting neoliberal nonsense? Color me shocked.

Oh, and let’s not forget what has probably become my favorite image from this cycle thus far. In fact, when Trump wins in November, I hope that we can all revisit this image before drinking ourselves senseless.

Ah, yes. The four major Democratic candidates: Biden, Buttigieg, Warren, and Amy Fucking Klobuchar

Full disclosure: I was not a “Bernie Bro” (or whatever other derivative term you want to use) in 2016. In fact, I didn’t really put much thought into the 2016 election because I, like most people, simply assumed that Hillary Clinton would effortlessly ascend into the Oval Office because that was just how things worked.

Hillary Clinton, the Warhawk. The neo-con. Big Budget Hillary. Preacher of Starbucks Social Justice – you know, gay people and abortion are cool, but let’s not get too carried away. Have some sensibility, okay? We don’t want to go down a slippery slope. Marijuana is bad. Yeah, being poor sucks, but we can’t forget about personal responsibility. Free trade and Wall Street are the American way. Think Tank Approved. Hedge Fund Approved. Private prisons provide a valuable service. You know, maybe there is a little merit to trickle down.

Hillary Clinton, the 2016 definition of a Centrist Democrat. Or what we referred to in 1980 as a Reagan Voter.

Not to get all nostalgic, but do you remember in 2008 when Barack Obama had all those great Hope and Change posters? How he was gonna really work for the American People after they had just endured eight long years of getting reamed by Dubya?

And do you also remember how Obama was more a Corporate Fellow and that after eight years people were pretty plainly ready for drastic political change instead of the usual pair of flavorless options who only pretend to pay you any attention long enough to ride into office, at which point they fully Assimilate Into The Machine?

Apparently, the DNC missed the memo in 2016. The RNC also missed that memo, but unlike their allegedly liberal opponents, the RNC failed to rig their primaries so that a wet blanket like Jeb Bush or Ted Cruz could win the nomination. Luckily for the Republicans, a fucking racist television host swooped in to save them from a Clinton presidency. And do you know why, against seemingly all odds, Trump was able to win?

BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES FUCKING CENTRISTS*

(*except for the 1%)

Forget global warming, massive wealth inequality, corporate fascism, regular fascism, the police state, the endless wars, the constant, flagrant trampling and abuse of human and civil rights, the rapid dismantling of our Republic and the dissolution of the few protections we have left (and that is just for those of us who were privileged enough to enjoy them in the first place). Forget about those and all the other reasons why we desperately need a progressive President, and instead consider the following:

For as long as I have been alive, the joke has been that it doesn’t matter who you vote for because Republicans and Democrats are the same and nothing ever changes. For the most part, the sentiment rings true. The two parties differ along some social issues, but when it comes to economics (read: the solutions to many of the aforementioned social issues) they are both the fucking same: Big Business Sellouts who are happy to wage for-profit wars, allow energy companies to destroy the planet (albeit with a little soapbox protesting from the left), and content to cuckold voters by sliding into bed with foreign interests, corporate donors, and the ultra wealthy.

Trump is all these things, but boy did he do a good job of selling the opposite. It also helps that his so-called “base” will mindlessly believe literally anything he tells them. Unfortunately for the DNC and their cohorts in the media, some left-leaning voters are a little too smart for their own good and the result was that a bunch of blue votes stayed home and now we have a psychotic orange clown as President.

And he is about to win again. How do I know? Allow me to refresh your memory:

[internal screaming]

Clinton, who is apparently unsatisfied with cursing America to only four years of Donald Trump, has now begun her Revenge Tour against Bernie Sanders. Is it because she feels slighted that not all of his supporters rallied to her after the DNC fucked them over? Is it because she genuinely thinks that Joe Biden, who can barely form coherent sentences without challenging someone to a push-up contest, is somehow better equipped to defeat Trump? Or is it because her fiscal policies are much closer to Donnie Trump than Bernie Sanders, and fiscal policies are the only thing that really matter to the wealthy elite?

Word is Obama is about to pile in on the fun too. What happened to Hope and Change?

Who knows! But here is what I do know. Sanders is the only candidate who can defeat Trump. I know this because only Sanders inspires people the same way Trump fires up his base of loony redneck fucks. Sanders is the one with the massive grassroots operation, the one shunning the big corporate money that voters across the spectrum are so tired of. The one who has preached the same truth to power since the fucking sixties, unlike some of the other “progressives” on stage.

The only one who might actually break this horrendous, nihilistic, wealth driven cycle of reckless, possibly humanity-ending capitalism.

Unfortunately, the neoliberal powers-that-be who ultimately get to make the call don’t see it that way, and would rather take their chances in a handicapped race with another closeted Republican than risk a horrible nasty socialist beating Trump. So fuck it, buckle up for four more years of the Trump Train.

But look on the bright side: Maybe in 2024, when Trump decides to run for a third term with zero opposition from the Republicans in the House or Senate, the DNC will have finally come to their senses. Maybe, but probably not.