Taylor Swift: “Lover” Track-by-Track Review

I Forgot That You Existed: Taylor recounts waking up in a Hong Kong slum with no recollection of who she is or how she got there. With the help of a mysterious talking dog and a powerful commodities trader on the run after being framed for the murder of an Australian diplomat, she embarks on a wacky adventure and ultimately learns that she never really knew who she was to begin with. TRACK SCORE: 5/10

Cruel Summer: A dreary song about the futuristic Summer of 2056. The ozone layer has been depleted and global warming has finally destroyed the ice caps. Taylor is part of a group of survivors confined to a compound in mountainous West Virginia. Their days are numbered. There are no cute boys in the compound. TRACK SCORE: 7/10

Lover: A seventeen-hour ballad about her obsession with White Claw seltzers. Same girl, same. TRACK SCORE: 5/10

The Man: A powerful track about how Taylor believes the government is actively covering up the damage caused by chemtrails. In a feminist twist, the “Man” in this song is actually Hillary Clinton. TRACK SCORE: 5/10

The Archer: A strikingly political tune in which Taylor opines that the solution to gun violence is to arm all Americans with a bows and arrows. “Flinging arrows like Legolas,” she sings in the chorus. “Don’t need bullets cause I never miss.” TRACK SCORE: 4/10

I Think He Knows: Taylor has brutally murdered her old lover, and is now worried that her new man will find out. Taylor is torn – she really likes this new guy, but if he gets too close to the truth then she will be forced to bury him as well. Things reach a climax when he discovers the vat of acid in her garage. Talk about drama! TRACK SCORE: 4/10

Miss America & The Heartbreak Prince: A beautiful pageant winner loses her title after repeatedly retweeting racist Ben Shapiro tweets, but when she turns to the alt-right pundit for help, he instead blasts her with a two-hundred tweet rant about how beauty pageants are contributing to the morale decline of Western Civilization. TRACK SCORE: 7/10

Paper Rings: Taylor is horrified to find that the Bloomin’ Onion she ordered at Outback Steakhouse is actually made out of paper mache. When the manager refuses to comp her order, she purchases the entire restaurant chain and shuts them all down for good. TRACK SCORE: 8/10

Cornelia Street: A harrowing look into Swift’s brutal upbringing, during which she was separated from her scoundrel lover and forced into the service of a criminal syndicate while trying to escape Cornelia Street. And look at her now! Working as an agent for a Sith Lord. Anything is possible. TRACK SCORE: 5/10

Death By A Thousand Cuts: The prequel track to I Think He Knows. Taylor describes, in gruesome detail, the slow, torturous murder of her ex-boyfriend. The outro features a panicked Swift in the throngs of denial, pleading with the fresh corpse to quit playing games and wake up. A sure-fire radio hit. TRACK SCORE: 7/10

London Boy: Taylor espouses her love of Boris Johnson and her adamant support for Brexit. Her idea to build a sea wall around the UK is bound to attract some controversy. TRACK SCORE: 5/10

Soon You’ll Get Better: Taylor recruits the Dixie Chicks for a song about how an un-vaccinated child will recover from polio as soon as Mercury stops being in retrograde. TRACK SCORE: 4/10

False God: In a series of guttural screams and terrifying howling, Swift reminds us that she is the one true deity, and that all other idols must be shunned lest we incur her endless wrath. TRACK SCORE: 6/10

You Need to Calm Down: The sequel to I Think He Knows. Taylor’s new boyfriend has discovered the terrible truth about her old man, but instead of murdering him too, Taylor decides to blackmail her current hubby into staying quiet. “Try and rat me out, I’ll tell them you helped,” she raps. “Planted so much evidence; just call me farmer bitch.” TRACK SCORE: 7/10

Afterglow: Taylor is doused in near-lethal radiation after a failed Russian military test during the Siberian leg of her world tour. The incident leaves her skin with a shimmering green hue that puts off enough heat to fry an egg at a distance of up to ten feet. Her fans are torn over this new look. TRACK SCORE: 5/10

ME! Taylor reminds us that there is only one of her because the clones she is growing for replacement organs do not count. TRACK SCORE: 1/10

It’s Nice To Have A Friend: Taylor laments about the existential loneliness associated with being an international superstar. She longs for her simpler Fearless days and spends her nights agonizing about how she can never go back. Kanye West has a surprise verse about how he also agonizes about wanting to go back to a simpler past when he hadn’t spent so much time praising Trump in public. TRACK SCORE: 5/10

Daylight: Taylor is depressed because she has been bitten by a vampire and can’t attend her best friends pool party. She used to love the daylight, but now it will literally kill her. To make herself feel better, she shows up late to the party after the sun has gone down and massacres everyone. TRACK SCORE: 3/10

ALBUM VERDICT: While more violent and overtly political than her previous efforts, Lover ultimately underwhelms, with few standout tracks and a glaring lack of bangers. From both a production and lyrical standpoint, Lover feels like a step back from her 2017 masterpiece, the space opera Reputation. While diehard Swifties will relish this latest offering, those looking for a more technical Swift experience will be disappointed.

FINAL SCORE: 5.17/10