DONALD TRUMP: A SPACE OPERA

CURTAINS OPEN

ACT 1

EXT: COURTYARD OF THE TRUMP TOWER ON PLUTO

DONALD TRUMP stands before a large crowd of journalists, supporters, and protesters as he gleefully commemorates the completion of his grand space wall around the Solar System, which is floating in the cosmic background.

DONALD TRUMP: With the completion of this wall, the fine folks of the Milky Way will never have to worry about illegal aliens crossing our borders, bringing weird space drugs and violence into our communities…

The crowd erupts into a mix of boos and cheers.

JOURNALIST: Mr. President, how do you respond to the critics who claim there is no reasonable justification for building a nine-billion kilometer wall around the solar system, and with taxpayer money?

DONALD TRUMP: A kilometer? What the hell is a kilometer? This guy, he thinks he’s European or something. Next question.

PROTESTER: Build bridges, not walls!

DONALD TRUMP: Bridges? What good is a bridge gonna do you in outer space? Liberals, everyone.

Behind them, a flying saucer zips over the space wall and towards Neptune.

DONALD TRUMP (cont’d.): Fuck.

END SCENE

ACT 2

INT: OVAL OFFICE OF THE SPACE WHITE HOUSE, LOCATED ON SATURN

SARAH SANDERS, JOHN BOLTON, and MIKE POMPEO sit on couches while DONALD TRUMP rants about the failure of his space wall to stop any aliens.

DONALD TRUMP: I just don’t understand why no one told me this was a bad idea. I mean, look at the Rasmussen poll from last week! Fifty-two percent approval for the space wall, and we all know that the polls are biased against me, so in reality it was probably at least seventy percent.

MIKE POMPEO: The liberal media wanted your wall to fail. This was their doing – we would have gotten way more funding if not for them constantly talking about how bad of an idea the wall was. 

DONALD TRUMP: You’re absolutely right. Sarah, how do we spin this?

SARAH SANDERS: We can say that you were never really serious about the wall in the first place. Space Congress passed the funding – all you did was sign the bill.

DONALD TRUMP: Perfect. Bolton, what are the security implications?

JOHN BOLTON: The relative failure of the wall only compounds how badly we need to shoot our giant space lasers at Space Iran. [turning towards the audience] Before the Iranians acquire giant space lasers of their own.

DONALD TRUMP: Everything about that logic makes sense to me.

END SCENE

ACT 3

INT: OVAL OFFICE OF THE SPACE WHITE HOUSE, SATURN

SCOTT PRUITT and JOHN KELLY are waiting in the Oval Office for a meeting about Pruitt’s latest scandal at the space EPA.

JOHN KELLY: Do you ever think it’s kind of weird how we built the Space White House on a gas planet?

SCOTT PRUITT: [smoking a cigarette] Listen, as chief of the Space EPA I can guarantee you that giant ammonium and methane clouds are perfectly safe to breathe.

JOHN KELLY: No, I meant from like, a structural integrity standpoint.

SCOTT PRUITT: [opening his briefcase] And look right here, at this study that was only half funded by Space Exxon, which clearly shows that giant ammonium and methane clouds are no more dangerous than regular clouds.

JOHN KELLY: Who funded the other half of the study?

SCOTT PRUITT: Space BP.

ENTER DONALD TRUMP

DONALD TRUMP: Scott, we need to talk. What’s all this business about you renting a lobbyist’s condo on Jupiter for only fifty space dollars a night?

SCOTT PRUITT: Oh that? Just some kickbacks I got after slashing the red tape that made it illegal to shoot toxic waste directly into the sun.

DONALD TRUMP: Oh shit fam, hook me up.

JOHN KELLY: I thought dumping toxic waste into the sun caused massive solar flares that were killing people on Mercury?

SCOTT PRUITT: [opening his briefcase] Not according to this study by Duke Energy.

DONALD TRUMP: Besides, only poor people live on Mercury anyway.

END SCENE

ACT 4

INT: CONGRESSIONAL CAFETERIA, SPACE CONGRESS, TITAN

PAUL RYAN, ELIZABETH WARREN, BERNIE SANDERS, and JOHN KELLY are all sitting at a cafeteria table, eating lunch.

ELIZABETH WARREN: It’s so bullshit how they moved Space Capitol Hill to Titan in order to make room for the new Space Russia embassy on Saturn.

PAUL RYAN: [whispering] Quiet, don’t let him hear you.

BERNIE SANDERS: [whispering] Let who hear what?

PAUL RYAN: [whispering] Devin.

Several tables down, DEVIN NUNES looks up from his Lunchable, as if suddenly perturbed by something.

PAUL RYAN (cont’d.): He gets really weird if you mention anything about Space Russia.

DEVIN NUNES: [distant, angry] Hillary Clinton is the real space traitor!

BERNIE SANDERS: Wait, why are you sitting with us?

PAUL RYAN: Because I don’t give a shit anymore.

BERNIE SANDERS: And you?

JOHN KELLY: Trump won’t let me eat in the Space White House Kitchen anymore, and this is the only other place that accepts my meal plan.

ELIZABETH WARREN: Sad!

EVERYONE laughs.

END SCENE

ACT 5

INT: SPACE WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING ROOM, SATURN

SARAH SANDERS is fielding questions from various members of the Space White House Press Corps, including JIM ACOSTA, DAVE CLARKE, NANCY COOK, and JOHN ROBERTS.

CROWD: Sarah, Sarah, Sarah!

SARAH SANDERS: Yes, Dave?

DAVE CLARKE: Sarah, what can you tell us about the latest allegations against the President regarding collusion with Space Lord Putin?

SARAH SANDERS: They’re allegations, nothing more.

CROWD: Sarah, Sarah, Sarah!

SARAH SANDERS: Alright Nancy, what’s up?

NANCY COOK: Is it true that the President plans to open up Europa for oil drilling?

SARAH SANDERS: The President is currently considering all available options to reduce our dependence on foreign oil.

NANCY COOK: But spaceships don’t even use oil.

SARAH SANDERS: Look Nancy, I’m not here to debate this hippie green shit with you, okay? Next question.

CROWD: Sarah, Sarah, Sarah!

SARAH SANDERS: Oh, I know I’m going to regret this, but let’s hear it Jim.

JIM ACOSTA: Sarah, alien immigrants under Space DACA have taught humanity a variety of technologies including cold fusion, hyperspace travel, teleportation, time travel, and the ability to build giant space lasers. Given that Space DACA has pushed our species forward hundreds, if not thousands of years, is the President willing to make a deal to keep the program intact, especially now that Trump has got his wall?

SARAH SANDERS: You know Jim, if the Space Democrats really wanted to save DACA, they would have done something by now. That’s all I have to say about that. Does anyone here have a real question?

CROWD: Sarah, Sarah, Sarah!

SARAH SANDERS: John, please, help me out here.

JOHN ROBERTS: Sarah, is the Space White House planning to appoint a Special Inspacetigator to look into the claims that Hillary Clinton is a shapeshifting Glorgomite from the K89X3S2 Cluster?

SARAH SANDERS: Good question John, and while the President doesn’t have any formal plans to do so yet, he firmly believes that the Space American people deserve to know the truth.

CROWD: Sarah, Sarah, Sarah!

SARAH SANDERS: No more questions.

END SCENE

ACT 6

EXT: TRUMP’S PRIVATE RESIDENCE, EARTH-A-LAGO, MARS

DONALD TRUMP and MICHAEL COHEN are playing space golf and discussing the Special Inspacetigation against the President’s business partners.

MICHAEL COHEN: I’m nervous, Don. Mueller is getting a little too close.

DONALD TRUMP hits a line drive, sending the golf ball careening out into orbit, nowhere near the green.

DONALD TRUMP: Why do we play this game?

MICHAEL COHEN: Are you listening? Mueller has got me by the balls.

DONALD TRUMP: How can he have you by the balls if we haven’t done anything illegal?

MICHAEL COHEN: Wait, really?

DONALD TRUMP tees off a second time, and for a second time the ball rockets out into orbit.

DONALD TRUMP: How is this a Par-4? God, I fucking hate space golf.

END SCENE

ACT 7

INT: THE IMPEACHER, ROBERT MUELLER’S PRIVATE BOUNTY HUNTING SPACECRAFT

ROBERT MUELLER and ROD ROSENSTEIN examine several damaging documents on the President that have been taped to the wall of the spaceship.

ROBERT MUELLER: [smoking a cigarette] Well I’ll be damned.

ROD ROSENSTEIN: [polishing his six-shooter] You think them documents is real?

ROBERT MUELLER: By the looks of it, I reckon they sure are.

ROD ROSENSTEIN: Fucking hell, I ain’t seen no rodeo like this un’ since 73.

ROBERT MUELLER: No shit. I can tell you one thing though.

ROBERT MUELLER: What’s that, Sheriff?

ROBERT MUELLER: [tipping his cowboy hat] Ain’t nobody, not even the President of the Space United States, who gets to break Space Law and get away with it. Not under my watch.

END SCENE

ACT 8

INT: SPACE WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE, SATURN

DONALD TRUMP is destroying his office in a fit of rage after MICHAEL COHEN has been indicted for being a double-agent for Space Russia. Several of his cabinet members and advisors are watching from the couch, including BEN CARSON, LARRY KUDLOW, and JOHN BOLTON.

DONALD TRUMP: [smashing a chair] A witch hunt, a total fucking witch hunt!

LARRY KUDLOW: With all due respect Mister President, some of this furniture is very expensive.

BEN CARSON: Not as expensive as my furniture. [whispering to JOHN BOLTON] My dining set was imported from Andromeda.

DONALD TRUMP: [throwing a vase] Both of you, shut up! Listen, clearly attorney-client privilege is dead.

LARRY KUDLOW: I don’t know if that’s really applicable here.

DONALD TRUMP: What are you talking about? Attorney-client privilege clearly states that the attorney for someone under inspacetigation cannot themselves come under inspacetigation. 

BEN CARSON: That doesn’t sound right.

JOHN BOLTON: We could right this wrong by shooting giant space lasers at Space Iran.

DONALD TRUMP: Wait, what am I thinking of then? Double Jeopardy? 

JOHN BOLTON: You’re thinking of shooting giant space lasers at Space Iran.

DONALD TRUMP: I’ve got it! Let’s shoot our giant space lasers at Space Iran. That will get the liberal media talking about something else.

JOHN BOLTON: I’m so getting laid tonight.

END SCENE

ACT 9

INT: SET OF FOX AND FRIENDS, FOX NEWS HQ, URANUS 

Hosts STEVE DOOCY, BRIAN KILMEADE, and AINSLEY EARHARDT are discussing the daily news on their show.

STEVE DOOCY: Up next, is coal a more efficient energy source than dark matter? It sounds crazy, but it just might be true. 

AINSLEY EARHARDT: But first, brainwashing in our schools: A 4th grade teacher on Venus has become the subject of a Twitter firestorm by suggesting that some extrasolar aliens are more “evolved” than humans.

BRIAN KILMEADE: Unbelievable that in the year 3016 people are still treating evolution as more than a theory.

AINSLEY EARHARDT: Sad!

EVERYONE laughs.

STEVE DOOCY: Hold on guys, I’ve just received word that the President himself is calling into the show for an exclusive interview! Mister President, how are you today?

ENTER DONALD TRUMP (offstage)

DONALD TRUMP: Hey guys, thanks for taking my call, big fan, long time watcher, first time caller here.

AINSLEY EARHARDT: Happy to have you, Mister President.

DONALD TRUMP: And can I just talk about how proud I am to be the President of the best solar system, you know the Milky Way really is the best solar system, and I know a lot of Democrats in Congress and Space California think otherwise, but it really is.

BRIAN KILMEADE: Mister President, we just all want to say congratulations on getting your Space Wall built. Do you have any comments for the detractors who are saying that the wall is not actually doing anything?

DONALD TRUMP: Well Brian, you know I don’t need to tell you that no wall is one hundred percent effective one hundred percent of the time. I mean just look at the Great Wall of China, which Genghis Grill broke through, or those seawalls all over the coastal United States before everything went underwater. So with that knowledge in mind, I’d say our space wall is still a massive success, just the biggest success it could be. 

STEVE DOOCY: Well I know we all agree one hundred percent with you there. What about Michael Cohen’s recent indictment on charges of being a Space Russia double-agent? Any thoughts?

DONALD TRUMP: More of Special Inspacetigator Mueller’s witch hunt, just a total witch hunt, and you know this is a clear case of double jeopardy and plus Cohen isn’t even my lawyer, all he does is handle my alimony cases. In fact I have only met him once, at the opening of my beautiful resort and golf course there, the galaxy class Trump Dreamy Blue Cloud Resort, the most stunning resort this side of the asteroid belt, special discount packages available to Republican donors at the official Space White House website.

AINSLEY EARHARDT: It’s sad how the Democrats are so willing to ignore the civil rights enshrined in the constitution.

DONALD TRUMP: Oh yeah, but when Hillary Clinton, who is a real criminal, when she breaks the law they don’t bat an eye. You know my campaign, I funded it all myself, right out of pocket because I’m self-made, a real businessman. But Clinton you know, she took money from everyone, not just the Blorgons, but the Zapsorians, the Plingites, the Glorffengorgs, the Chinese, the Sligglysloots, I mean the list just goes on and on.

AINSLEY EARHARDT: Sad!

EVERYONE laughs.

STEVE DOOCY: Mister President, yesterday you pledged to make Space Iran “suffer” if a new space laser deal isn’t reached with the regime. Does that mean you are willing to use our own giant space lasers against them?

DONALD TRUMP: All I’ve got to say about that is that I’ve got good people, the best people, advising me on the situation there, you know, and how to properly handle them. Obama you know, he signed that deal, the worst deal ever signed, which still lets the Iranians build space lasers, just not giant ones, but space lasers of all different sizes, giant ones, un-giant ones, all kinds of space lasers. Which is just totally unacceptable to me, and to everyone else. So, we’re considering all our options, and yes most of those options include our giant space lasers.

STEVE DOOCY: A true man of action. Well Mister President, we’re running out of time here but thank you for your call.

DONALD TRUMP: Thank you Steve.

EXIT DONALD TRUMP

STEVE DOOCY: Up next, snorting stardust is the latest fad among space teens. But is it harmless fun, or something far more dangerous? Fox and Friends investigates the harrowing story of a Space Kentucky boy who snorted the celestial powder only to have a nebula explode inside his nasal cavity.

END SCENE

ACT 10

INT: SPACE WHITE HOUSE, SATURN

Following his recent giant space laser attack on Iran, DONALD TRUMP is holding a press conference outlining his military strategy and objectives in the region.

DONALD TRUMP: …and then I dunno, probably just keep blasting them with giant space lasers, that seems to be working pretty well.

Suddenly, the door to the room is flung open, and ROBERT MUELLER and ROD ROSENSTEIN step in, pistols drawn.

ROBERT MUELLER: Freeze, partner!

The crowd gasps.

ROBERT MUELLER (cont’d): Yer under arrest for colluding with Space Lord Putin and for high treason against the Space American people. Come quietly or we’ll fucking scrap ya!

DONALD TRUMP laughs as his arms turn into space lasers.

ROD ROSENSTEIN: Holy guacamole, he’s not just a Russian Spy, he’s a Russian cyborg!

DONALD TRUMP: [robotic] Ты никогда не заберешь меня живьем!

DONALD TRUMP begins blasting his space laser arms as ROBERT MUELLER and ROD ROSENSTEIN dive for cover.

CYBORG DONALD TRUMP: [robotic, evil] Вы фальшивые новости.

ROD ROSENSTEIN: Shit Sheriff, I think we’re cooked! His fancy space arms are too powerful!

ROBERT MUELLER: I ain’t giving up to no Commie sonofabitch that easy! Hang on!

ROBERT MUELLER jumps out from behind cover and shoots out one of the windows of the Space White House, creating a powerful vacuum that catches CYBORG DONALD TRUMP off guard. 

CYBORG DONALD TRUMP: [clinging to the window ledge] Дураки! Вы никогда не победите Космического лорда Путина.

ROBERT MUELLER, fighting against the powerful vacuum of space, reaches the emergency blast-shield switch, which seals off the broken window. CYBORG DONALD TRUMP is sent hurtling off into the void, leaving only the hand that had been clinging to the windowsill behind.

ROD ROSENSTEIN: You did it Sheriff! You Saved us all from Russian Cyborg Donald Trump!

ROBERT MUELLER: I told you once son, nobody fucks with Space Law and gets away with it.

ROD ROSENSTEIN: True that homie. [looking down the severed hand of CYBORG DONALD TRUMP] You know, his hands were actually pretty small.

ROBERT MULLER: Sad!

EVERYONE laughs.

END SCENE

CURTAINS CLOSE